Everyday I understand more and more why spending quality time with God is so important. Lately, ive been feeling so tired. Yes, I have been busy, but I’ve been busier in the past. I enjoy what I am doing and I know that its serving a purpose. But I keep trying to do things on my own rather than going to God with it. Keep seeing “problems” I need to fix and when I dont…i end up frustrated. When really what I should be doing is going to God with them. Praying about them. Looking for answers in the Bible. But whats stopping me? My emotions. They are so sneaky. This weekend was an emotional rollercoaster. Thinking about my dad all day on Sunday, questioning if he would be proud of me or not, wondering how he would feel about everything I am doing. Feeling like my friends are so distant. That no matter how hard I try, things just seem to fall apart. Feeling like I simply can not understand why people do things a certain way, when its clearly hurting them… feeling discouraged and left out… All in one day.
Wow, emotions can really hurt us. I spent all day infront of the tv, trying to escape what I was feeling, because I felt scared to acknowledge my pride, my insecurities and how much I still need to work on so many things. But after so many movies, I still felt sad. It didnt really help. I finally turned to God and just prayed. Cried out for what seems like forever. And you know what? The sadness was still there but there was peace. its like I finally understood that I was not going to be able to handle it all on my own, that I just needed to surrender it. Its okay for me to be sad about my dad being gone, what happened wasnt fair, but hey atleast i had him in my life for more than 20 years. Other people have not even met their dads. I am grateful for that. I feel distant and isolated. Well, who do I get my selfworth from? God or my friends? I really need to get that in check. Everytime I get emotional, I can not depend on how I am feeling to tell me that I am loved or not loved. I have great friends who really love me and are constantly there for me.
I have great discipiling friendships that have really helped me grow closer to God. If i felt isolated, it was because I had isolated myself that day. I was feeling miserable and physically sick in the morning and so I didnt make it to church, that right there was me not being a part of them, not them. Yet, satan can really twist things in my head and make me feel like its everyones fault except mine. Like i have the right to be upset. To feel like people owe me something. Oh pride.
I woke up this morning still feeling blah… and more than anything frustrated with myself for letting my emotions control me. And I started reading a few devos and realized what am I going to do…sit here and just feel like the way satan wants me to feel? Or am I going to kick him in the face and tell these emotions to shut up and pick up my Bible and read. Even if Its not what I want to do, its what I need to do. Its part of denying myself. These thoughts of wallowing in self pity, i need to deny them, if not I only end up in a mess where I really dont want to be. I am grateful that God has so much grace towards me. Im grateful for his mercy and his teachings. Through everything He really allows me to see so much of Him and how much He loves me. I pray that I can love him more and more everyday. I pray that I can find comfort in Him alone. I pray that I can grow to not give into emotions that will only end up hurting me. I pray I can be the woman God wants me to be. I pray I can spill my heart out to God each and every day.