If you would have told me months ago that this is where I would be in my life, I would not have believed you. God is faithful. Everything I have been praying about has found its way into my life. These last 10 months have been the most challenging and overwhelming months of my life. Man, I thought life had been tough before but boy, I had no idea. Not to say I hadn’t been through stuff, but this time it was different. One of the main things that I had to battle this year was emotions. Emotions can be a tricky thing. Whether it is making emotional decisions, thinking I’m in love or being overcome by sadness. Emotions are good, even Jesus wept, but I can’t let them control me.
Let’s take a recap to last August. I had just finished spending a summer in Dallas doing Project Transformation, a life changing experience that God used to teach me many things. Afterwards God blessed me with the opportunity to spend a week in Mexico with my dad and grandma. It was a great week. Afterwards I moved back home, San Antonio. I was planning on only staying here until December and going to grad school in January in Denton. God had other plans for me. Upon returning i was given a job at the after school program, i use to work at before i left to UNT. At first it was hard because of my pride. I kept thinking….okay, im still working at the same job that i had when i was 19, what was the point of college?
And then on August 30, my dad disappeared. The next few months were filled with anxiety, anger and bitterness. I was so confused about what God was trying to teach me. I stopped reading my Bible because I was scared to find out the truth. I didn’t want God to tell me that it was going to be okay…I mean how was it going to be okay…my dad was no where to be found…. So instead of turning to God right away, I turned to other things. For example, I’d spend my night eating while watching marathons of criminal minds. I pretty much isolated myself because I felt like no one was even there.. It was hard moving home, leaving my school, friends, church..everything. I felt like no one cared now that I was not physically there. Boy, I was so bitter! I used work as an outlet. I did way more than expected which caused tension with coworkers. I was bitter and rude most of the time, without realizing it. I let other coworkers influence me. I constantly gossiped about others. I used the excuse that I was hurting as a reason as to why I was doing this. Oh! And I constantly talked about God and how He was getting me through this…which he was but boy was I setting an example…so anyways there was this guy, which I talked a lot of smack about because his work ethic and mine were so different. Yet, he was pretty chill with me even when I was a total witch. This is important later in the story.
So let’s see in about November, we pretty much figured my dad had passed away. In December my grandma passed away. Things seemed to get worse by the minute. At this point I had started reading my Bible more and leading a small group. I knew God was the only way for me to heal and I was desperately seeking Him. In January I was blessed to go to passion. It was amazing and I really learned a lot from all the people that went and all those who spoke at the conference. god really began to stir things in my heart. I remember praying for a community, for Godly woman that I could study the Bible with.
Upon my return I also began grad classes online with Liberty University…I was made a director of youth service for stand up for kids, a non profit that works with homeless youth… It seemed that my time would now be busy. I didn’t have much time to just sit and wallow. I was moving forward. During a training for work that guy coworker introduced me to group of his friends. One of them asked if I’d be interested to go to a bible talk and we exchanged numbers. Around this time I was promoted to a director in the after school program. I moved to a different school and began that journey. It was tough being the leader with people my age. Pride continue to get in the way. I continued to pray.
I started to attend Bibletalks which led to studying the Bible with two girls. Through these studies I really began to rebuild my faith. God had been there with me all this time but I had not fully understood many things. I began to trust Him more. I began to forgive my self for things that had happened that were out of my control. You see I’m a “guilty soul”, I blame myself for things like my dads death…etc.. I began to get what grace meant. I began to humble out….which really made a difference at work…. I understood where my biggest struggles were coming from and instead of just avoiding things I began to take the root out. I finally got what repentance was. God began to change my heart.
Things got crazy. I tried to time manage as best as I could. I did not do very well in my classes. Youth drop in nights with the homeless youth went good. My job went great, small group was okay but the most challenging of all were my studies. I began to attend the church and fellowship with other people. As I saw how real everyone was and as God drew me closer to Him, decisions began to be made. I was tired of struggling and trying to do it on my own. I was ready to give it ALL to God…every aspect of my life. I was ready to leave it all behind.
I was baptized at the end of May and it was incredible. I am now a part of such an amazing body. It was incredibly encouraging to have so many brothers and sisters in my home, my mom was so supportive, even though her beliefs are different.
Currently God has made so many changes in my life and I welcome them. God willing, I will be back as a director in August and i am part of the training cohort. I will no longer be taking classes or be a director of volunteer services after this summer. I really felt like God was yelling at me to be still. I was doing too many things. Yes, they were all good things but not where God needs me. He needs my talents somewhere else. He needs to equip me first and my foundation in Him needs to grow. This summer I’ll be doing VBS and a Saturday academy, where I will be leading a group that teaches kids about making reading and history fun. I have no idea where God will lead me next semester but I know he has big plans for me and I will not be defeated.
Through all this God taught me that everything does happen for a reason. That there is a bigger picture. Me bing back at work, was not a coincidence. That coworker who I was so rude to was eventually who lead me to find this church and find the truth about God. He lead me to the light. Everything that happened with my dad, grew me and helped me grow closer to God. It allowed me to reach out to others. It’s beautiful when you can sit back and see how God has been working through the good and bad. How He really does have everything planned. I can see how being at PT helped me overcome certain things which then lead to me having a very meaningful conversation with my dad, and I am grateful I was able to, because it was the last one. God really does know what He is doing, I just gotta trust Him.
So if you have gotten this far, props to you! I apologize for all the typos, typing on my iPad is a little harder but I really just wanted to share this with you guys tonight. God has been teaching me so much, it amazes me. Recently He is really helping me with; humility,purity and trusting Him to overcome insecurities. My God is awesome, He already overcame the world, I gotta just trust Him.
Ahhhh. I’m just so incredibly happy and I am so ready to continue to grow. This is a nonstop deal. I gotta be engaged and put myself out there to get to know others and build each other up. I can’t just sit and think about what I want to do but I gotta get out there and do it.