It’s funny how the  enemy works… especially when he knows what our weak spots are. 

For me, a weak spot is my emotions & another one is my family. Often, he knows how to put those two together in a way where it hurts. This morning as I was reading through John just taking basic notes on each chapter, right before getting to chapter 15, I was interrupted. My mom and I were having a conversation about some thoughts we had both had regarding my father. What if he was not dead? What if after all this time he was still alive? And so then the doubts and tears started coming. At that point I excused myself and went back to my Bible. I realized I could sit there and wonder for the rest of my life if he was alive, where he was, why hadnt he contacted us, what had happened, who did it…etc or just trust God.

So let me be open here, whenever I feel hurt especially when I think that something is not fair, I usually close my Bible and walk away from it. I just don’t want to hear what God has to say to me because I want to wallow in my feelings. I want to feel that its okay to be bitter and mad about what has happened to me. I mean after all, life isnt fair, right? so it must be okay for me to ignore the standard which I have choosen to live by because of my circumstance. Wrong. Its not okay. Through out the last year, that is a battle I continue to fight; to humble out to the word. So today I picked up my Bible and continue to read in John 14-15 and boy there could not have been a more perfect scripture to read at this time.

I was reminded of these truths:

John 14

Trust God. Trust Jesus. Do not let my heart be troubled.  I am not an orphan, God is my father. I have the ultimate counselor in me. The Holy Spirit comforts me. i do not need to find comfort anywhere else. Jesus gave us peace. Do not let anxiety overcome my heart.

John 15

Remain in Jesus. Read God’s word. Pray. fellowship. Do not isolate myself. JESUS LOVES ME. He seriously does. I am Jesus’ Friend. He considers me his friend, how awesome is that? Thats like they very best friend anyone can have. He wont betray me. He wont get annoyed with me. He wont ignore me. He will love me always.    He will teach me the way to life. He will provide for me. He will LOVE ME and that is all I can ask for. He choose me so that I can go and bear fruit. The world will treat me the way it treated him, and it was not very nice. Be prepared.

I have read these passages before but today they really stood out to me. I mean Jesus considers me his friend. Think about all the people you know. you would not call them all friends. Some you’d call aquientances, some friends, some best friends, some strangers, etc but Jesus has said if you Love as he has loved us, then you are his friend. He does not require you to have money, a special position, a degree, fancy clothes, know 4 languages, be married, be 45..nope all he wants is for you to love others the way he loved. Not that loving is a piece of cake, it takes work but you are not alone in doing it.

Everyday I am more grateful for a God who loves me and teaches me instead of just allowing me to let my emotions take over.                                       

Matthew 6:25-34 
Do not worry about tomorrow.Seek Gods kingdom first&all these things will be given to you.
Am I going to sit here and worry or pray and let God guide me? Am I going to be distracted doing what I feel is right or doing what God wants me to do first?

Romans 8
Have a mind set on what the spirit desires. Do not resist Gods will. We do not have a spirit of fear but I am God’s daughter. There will be glory. God has given us freedom. The spirit knows what we need. God works for the good of those who love him. Nothing can separate me from Gods love. Don let satan or my emotions tell me otherwise. Seek God with all my heart.

Proverbs 3:5-6 
Trust God with all my heart. Trust that he will do all he can to get my family through this. Do not try and do things on my own but instead give him the glory and he will set me on my path. He will find usa home to live.

Matthew7: 7
Ask and God will provide it. Don’t focus on the problem but instead focus on the God you serve and love and how big he is. Sometimes I worry instead of praying about it and then I wonder why God is not answering,but it’s because I’m not asking him.

1 Peter 5:7 
God cares about me and that’s my should motivate me to let him take care of me. Submit to his will. Cast my anxiety on him. I don’t need to carry it on my own.

1thessalonians 5:16
No matter what my circumstance is God doesn’t change so my attitude towards him shouldn’t either. Through it all i must remain joyful. Joyful that he has saved me. Pray bout everything in a constant way. Give thanks for all he has done.

Boycotting chicken is the new way to show your support? Really? How about you start loving people…all those around you…no matter what orientation they are or race or religion. People always go on and on about how accepting they are but truth is that if others don’t agree with your views then you feel, even if it’s a teeny bit better than them, you feel you have a right to set your standards by them. Get over yourself, life is not about you, but about loving those around you. As a Christian who tries to live bY the Bibles standards and not main stream Christianity, it’s tough. Everyone automatically assumes they know “you”. They put you in a box and label you. And yet every Christian is different. We all have our weaknesses and strengths, we all have our own personality,(I wasn’t aware we were robots) but we do have the same common goal, to love like Jesus did. And that is how you can tell if someone really is a Christian by how they are loving those around them. We do have an example to follow, Jesus, and therefore our standards of living are based on what The Bible says but we are not forcing those around us to follow those too. I mean how can they follow if they don’t believe? And we are not judging you for that. Yes, we invite you to church, yes we want to share this amazing thing that has changed our life but we are not pointing a gun to your head and making you do it, it’s your choice and we respect it. Then I ask, why can’t people respect what we believe?

Anyways, if people were to boycott everything they are against,( honestly we are too selfish in nature to do it) we would be left with very few things. Isnt child slavery as important as gay rights? Why isn’t everyone boycotting chocolate companies? Sure there have been improvements to get rid of slavery in this industry but it still continues.. And the list could go on.

Well, my rantings come to an end but I ask, if you have been supporting or if you don’t support LGBT continue to do so, don’t just suddenly jump on the bandwagon and boycott/support chicken because facebook told you to but instead read up about it and figure out what you truly believe in, then take a stand, but a loving one. One where you show others your support and make them feel welcomed not one where you are hating and breaking people down.

Much love.

Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:38-42 ESV)

Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:32 NLT)

The Lord has been stirring many things in my heart lately, mainly been learning about humility, purity and forgiveness. Today I read Psalm 103 & Ephesians 4. I was reminded of how much God loves me. That despite my many imperfections, He still loves me as His daughter & not as a stranger.

Let all that I am praise the LORD;
may I never forget the good things he does for me. He forgives all my sins
and heals all my diseases. (Psalm 103:2, 3 NLT)

Sometimes I tend to over think what I do. But then I am reminded that Gods grace covers multitude of sins and not just the ones I “feel” like He covers. Feelings are such a tricky thing. Many times we feel alone, like God has left us, that none of this even matters anymore but that is not the truth. The truth is that God loves us very much. The truth is that we have left God but He is by our side, we just need to seek Him. “In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. (“Jeremiah 29:12, 13 NLT) I looked for Him with all my heart for a while and I am so grateful that He revealed Himself to me, I found Him and I am not going to let sin get in that way of that.

We all have our struggles. Not one of us is perfect. Yet we humbly come before God and accept His grace which is the only thing that saves us.

It is no lie that the days after being baptized, struggles intensify. I was given a curve ball because the ones I though I would struggle with minimize and new trails arised. The enemy knows our weakness and will use that. He studies us and has a list of what will push our buttons And boy does he use that against me. I am encouraged that God put an awesome body in my life that lifts me up, keeps me accountable and encourages me through this journey. I pray that He uses me to do the same to them.

Recently I’m really studying out humility. Pride is not a friend I want to have. It is the root of many of my sins. Forgiveness is another one. Sometimes I feel that to forgive someone, I need to have my feelings heard. That my hurt is justified. That they need to apologize so that I can forgive them. Seriously Ludi? In the big picture, I have no right to demand something from others so that I can forgive them. Did Jesus not die on the cross for everyone? Did Jesus not do this before I even said I was sorry? What makes me better than others?

“bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. “(Colossians 3:13 ESV)

The Bible talks about forgiveness more than a couple of times. It’s not a suggestion, hey maybe you should forgive others but it is a command. You know what scripture cuts me?
“If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:14, 15 NLT)

Oh man. Maybe that’s why we try to avoid reading scripture when we are feeling bitter and hurt, because we know It’s going to tell us to do what’s hard for us. It is so in our nature to be prideful and unforgiving. We want to hold things over people’s heads. We feel like hey they dont really deserve to be forgiven because they are still doing the same thing. They don’t really deserve to be shown grace because they Havnt even accepted what they did. Uh, whoa, do we not repeatedly sin against God and yet He has forgiven us? Has He not given us grace when we did not deserve it? I love this scripture; “he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities. (Psalm 103:10 NIV).

Can you imagine what it would be like, if God treated us the way we deserved to be treated according to our sin? I shudder at the thought. So grateful for a God full of mercy.

So then why do we feel like we can hold things over others heads? Why is it okay for us to treat others the way we feel they deserve to be treated and not the way Jesus would have treated them?

That same day Jesus went out of the house and sat by the lake. Such large crowds gathered around him that he got into a boat and sat in it, while all the people stood on the shore. Then he told them many things in parables, saying: “A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. Whoever has ears, let them hear.” (Matthew 13:1-9 NIV)

Roots are important. Being in a body is important. You need to be watered.

If you would have told me months ago that this is where I would be in my life, I would not have believed you. God is faithful. Everything I have been praying about has found its way into my life. These last 10 months have been the most challenging and overwhelming months of my life. Man, I thought life had been tough before but boy, I had no idea. Not to say I hadn’t been through stuff, but this time it was different. One of the main things that I had to battle this year was emotions. Emotions can be a tricky thing. Whether it is making emotional decisions, thinking I’m in love or being overcome by sadness. Emotions are good, even Jesus wept, but I can’t let them control me.

Let’s take a recap to last August. I had just finished spending a summer in Dallas doing Project Transformation, a life changing experience that God used to teach me many things. Afterwards God blessed me with the opportunity to spend a week in Mexico with my dad and grandma. It was a great week. Afterwards I moved back home, San Antonio. I was planning on only staying here until December and going to grad school in January in Denton. God had other plans for me. Upon returning i was given a job at the after school program, i use to work at before i left to UNT. At first it was hard because of my pride. I kept thinking….okay, im still working at the same job that i had when i was 19, what was the point of college?

And then on August 30, my dad disappeared. The next few months were filled with anxiety, anger and bitterness. I was so confused about what God was trying to teach me. I stopped reading my Bible because I was scared to find out the truth. I didn’t want God to tell me that it was going to be okay…I mean how was it going to be okay…my dad was no where to be found…. So instead of turning to God right away, I turned to other things. For example, I’d spend my night eating while watching marathons of criminal minds. I pretty much isolated myself because I felt like no one was even there.. It was hard moving home, leaving my school, friends, church..everything. I felt like no one cared now that I was not physically there. Boy, I was so bitter! I used work as an outlet. I did way more than expected which caused tension with coworkers. I was bitter and rude most of the time, without realizing it. I let other coworkers influence me. I constantly gossiped about others. I used the excuse that I was hurting as a reason as to why I was doing this. Oh! And I constantly talked about God and how He was getting me through this…which he was but boy was I setting an example…so anyways there was this guy, which I talked a lot of smack about because his work ethic and mine were so different. Yet, he was pretty chill with me even when I was a total witch. This is important later in the story.

So let’s see in about November, we pretty much figured my dad had passed away. In December my grandma passed away. Things seemed to get worse by the minute. At this point I had started reading my Bible more and leading a small group. I knew God was the only way for me to heal and I was desperately seeking Him. In January I was blessed to go to passion. It was amazing and I really learned a lot from all the people that went and all those who spoke at the conference. god really began to stir things in my heart. I remember praying for a community, for Godly woman that I could study the Bible with.

Upon my return I also began grad classes online with Liberty University…I was made a director of youth service for stand up for kids, a non profit that works with homeless youth… It seemed that my time would now be busy. I didn’t have much time to just sit and wallow. I was moving forward. During a training for work that guy coworker introduced me to group of his friends. One of them asked if I’d be interested to go to a bible talk and we exchanged numbers. Around this time I was promoted to a director in the after school program. I moved to a different school and began that journey. It was tough being the leader with people my age. Pride continue to get in the way. I continued to pray.

I started to attend Bibletalks which led to studying the Bible with two girls. Through these studies I really began to rebuild my faith. God had been there with me all this time but I had not fully understood many things. I began to trust Him more. I began to forgive my self for things that had happened that were out of my control. You see I’m a “guilty soul”, I blame myself for things like my dads death…etc.. I began to get what grace meant. I began to humble out….which really made a difference at work…. I understood where my biggest struggles were coming from and instead of just avoiding things I began to take the root out. I finally got what repentance was. God began to change my heart.

Things got crazy. I tried to time manage as best as I could. I did not do very well in my classes. Youth drop in nights with the homeless youth went good. My job went great, small group was okay but the most challenging of all were my studies. I began to attend the church and fellowship with other people. As I saw how real everyone was and as God drew me closer to Him, decisions began to be made. I was tired of struggling and trying to do it on my own. I was ready to give it ALL to God…every aspect of my life. I was ready to leave it all behind.

I was baptized at the end of May and it was incredible. I am now a part of such an amazing body. It was incredibly encouraging to have so many brothers and sisters in my home, my mom was so supportive, even though her beliefs are different.

Currently God has made so many changes in my life and I welcome them. God willing, I will be back as a director in August and i am part of the training cohort. I will no longer be taking classes or be a director of volunteer services after this summer. I really felt like God was yelling at me to be still. I was doing too many things. Yes, they were all good things but not where God needs me. He needs my talents somewhere else. He needs to equip me first and my foundation in Him needs to grow. This summer I’ll be doing VBS and a Saturday academy, where I will be leading a group that teaches kids about making reading and history fun. I have no idea where God will lead me next semester but I know he has big plans for me and I will not be defeated.

Through all this God taught me that everything does happen for a reason. That there is a bigger picture. Me bing back at work, was not a coincidence. That coworker who I was so rude to was eventually who lead me to find this church and find the truth about God. He lead me to the light. Everything that happened with my dad, grew me and helped me grow closer to God. It allowed me to reach out to others. It’s beautiful when you can sit back and see how God has been working through the good and bad. How He really does have everything planned. I can see how being at PT helped me overcome certain things which then lead to me having a very meaningful conversation with my dad, and I am grateful I was able to, because it was the last one. God really does know what He is doing, I just gotta trust Him.

So if you have gotten this far, props to you! I apologize for all the typos, typing on my iPad is a little harder but I really just wanted to share this with you guys tonight. God has been teaching me so much, it amazes me. Recently He is really helping me with; humility,purity and trusting Him to overcome insecurities. My God is awesome, He already overcame the world, I gotta just trust Him.

Ahhhh. I’m just so incredibly happy and I am so ready to continue to grow. This is a nonstop deal. I gotta be engaged and put myself out there to get to know others and build each other up. I can’t just sit and think about what I want to do but I gotta get out there and do it.

Pure awesomeness!!!!!

Another said, “Yes, Lord, I will follow you, but first let me say good-bye to my family.”

 But Jesus told him, “Anyone who puts a hand to the plow and then looks back is not fit for the Kingdom of God.”( Luke 9:61-62)

When we are following Jesus we are moving FORWARD. We are living a life that requires us to put all our energy and thoughts on what is to come. We are pressing towards a goal (Phil  3:14). When you are running in a race or even simply walking down the streets, what direction are you facing? Are you looking forward, to the side or behind you? The answer for most of you is forward. You have your eyes set on your desination (or an idea of it) and you keep walking forward making sure you do not miss a turn or run into anything that causes you to stumble. You can not keep looking back because more than likely you are going to trip. Sure, you can prolly walk backwards for a bit before you end up running into something that ends up causing you to get hurt. Our walk with God is similar. We have to constantly be looking and moving forward. We can not be looking back, to the past and what was of our life. If we continue to think about who we were and  feel we are “missing out” it will cause us to stumble. Our emotions are very tricky and they will make you long for things of this world but Jesus is the only one that will satisfy those longings.  Keep your mind focused on what is pure.  Remember we have a goal, we are not running aimlessly (1 Conrinthians 9:26) nor are we alone. 

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.(Hebrews 12:1)

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ⁵ For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. ⁶ If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. ⁷ And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.